Five Reasons Why “You’re Fired”…

I’m looking to expand my roster of contractors (designers and HTML monkeys, since you ask) and got a few dozen decent applications c/o the Gumtree and Reed’s Freecruitment site.

But I also got a few corkers in the ‘what not to say’ stakes. So, for the benefit of those with no idea what employers want to hear, here’s five things not to do when applying for a job:

1. Address me as ‘dude’ on your cover letter
2. Ignore the sole non-negotiable in the ad: “Copy and paste applications will be deleted”
3. Use the phrase “thinking outside the box”. Do I need to explain the irony of using a cliche to illustrate the concept of creative thought?
4. Explain you “managed strategic delivery of client-lead solutions”. I’m not ashamed to say I’ve zero idea what this means.
5. Tell me you “participated in a 24 hour silence for charity”, you are “practicing being free” or “play the piano for your local Cambodian youth group”, instead or what skills you have and why you might be suitable.

But full marks to the gentleman who ended his cover letter with “I can sp34k 1337 t00”.