Top 10 Bible Reviews

A kick in the Testaments c/o Amazon’s reviews of the King James Bible.

  1. “Excellent Special FX throughout”
  2. “The best fantasy epic since Lord of the Rings”
  3. “There aren’t enough good fights”
  4. “Three stars, because the paper was too thin”
  5. “One of the most disjointed novels I’ve read in a long while”
  6. “Almost preachy in tone”
  7. “Good ending”
  8. “The Lord hath no scorn like the scorn reserved for one-star reviewers”
  9. “Who wrote this thing, Michael Moore?”
  10. “Definitely not his best work”

My more diligent readers may wish to read the reviews in full and post any more in the comments below. Bless you, Jeff Bezos.

  • Lyndi says:

    LOVE IT!

  • TheGabe says:

    I was going to give this a thumbs-up, but then I read “Lyndi”‘s comment.

  • I’m telling ya, people aren’t satisfied with anything these days

  • Brandon says:

    I laughed so hard, I cried. Thank you.

  • Fruitloop says:

    Too funny! I like number 2, except I think Lord of the Rings makes much more sense,is better written and has REAL magic!

  • Simon Dance says:

    ha ha… excellent.

    great post.

  • kushiro says:

    Just reading through these now. My favourite quote thus far:

    “Obviously the infallbile KJV stands alone as a paragon of exactitude, percisION, undeniability, brevity, bombastictness and hysterectomy.”

    And people say women aren’t represented in the bible enough.

  • Richard Kershaw says:

    @ kushiro – Genius. Any more you’ve spotted? I’ll admit I gave up trawling through page after page of the reviews.

  • Sarah says:

    “Almost preachy in tone”

    Comedy gold! I think I’ll waste a couple of house going through the rest of them.

  • savvy says:

    very funny….there arent as many fights in the new testament as in the old, and yes, it is like a disjointed novel..

  • jlem says:

    ” I probably shouldn’t have seen the movie first. The ending is real trippy, but it takes too long to get there. There’s a huge cliffhanger at the end that was probably a set up for a sequel that will never be written, though.

    The first half is better. In fact, you can totally disregard the second part entirely. It was an unnecessary addition. The author accomplishes everything needed by the end of the first part.”

  • Simon Dance says:

    @jlem –

    “The author accomplishes everything needed by the end of the first part.” ha ha….

    Going around the office now….

  • Richard Kershaw says:

    “For those of you who don’t know, this is God’s second novel after the Old Testament. It’s a marked improvement, in my opinion. He got rid of a lot of his previous angst and scorn, and has really begun to show some of the maturity present in his later works. He’s become a much more loving and kind God, and, noticeably, he doesn’t throw nearly as many tantrums as he did in the first book.”

  • Coz mo says:

    “Almost preachy in tone”
    I almost spit water all over my monitor when I saw that one.

  • Emily says:

    HAHAHA! xD That was brilliant! I love numbers four and ten. This was fantastic!

  • Anil says:


  • agnostick says:

    #6 and #10
    rofl! zomg! lmao!

  • Ben says:

    A few more I found

    “Very historically accurate portrayal of what actually
    happened. I finally realize that Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings are LIES. The magic in this book is more realistic.”

    “You know what’s funny? Monkeys and Midgets. You know what’s not? This book, it’s serious. Don’t buy it. Get a copy from a Jehova’s witness next time they come to your door.”

    “I would have liked to hear the story from a first person narrative dictated by “the Son”. His pain and struggle had a glimmer of potential but lacked in it’s Harry Potter type “magic”. Bringing back a man from the dead? Doctors do that all the time. How about some flying or love spells… now that I could read about. I am looking forward to a possible sequel though, there’s a chance the author could fix some of his confusions and find the focus of the story. Mel Gibson did wonders with the film adaptaion and I wish the book could have lived up to it. It’s perhaps the only case where the picture outshined the novel. Better try next time though!”

    “Based on all the hype, I thought this book would change my life. But it didn’t. In fact, I found it to be fairly disjointed and at times, contradictory. There were too many perspectives and the story didn’t really even have a cohesive plot. This is the most overrated book I’ve read since The Da Vinci Code!”

    “I’m not generally a fan of fantasy fiction, but I felt obligated to read this title, it being the popular example of the genre. The story has a good premise that I can’t help but think suffers in its implementation”

    “”Revelations” was pretty weird, sort of like watching “Fantasia” while doing mushrooms, only a lot scarier.”

    “There arent enough good fights in this book and I think harry potter is better at magic than Jerus. Some magic was great like the feeding of one hundred from only ten or eleven fish but apart from that nothing special. Read most but not all of it as after Noer, it was kind of boring. That guy lived for years!! Update: Finished. Good ending.”

  • ema says:

    omg! that has got be be the best thing E-V-E-R!!!

  • Jorge says:

    Oh man, a vein in my forehead almost popped when I read this! I don’t know what’s better, the reviews, or the fact that you created your top ten!

  • charles says:

    Thats not what Jesus looks like ,the guy spent 40 days in the desert.

  • butch says:

    Plagues, wars, famines, greed, pestilence, suffering……. Can’t we all just get alongggggggggggg ?

  • The comments are the best side-effect of this ‘top 10 list’. My favorite: I love what “Ben” says… “”Revelations” was pretty weird, sort of like watching “Fantasia” while doing mushrooms, only a lot scarier.”

  • toni says:

    Brilliant – nice find.

    “I picked this up because I heard it advertised as the Gospel, which translates to “good news.” It opens up by telling the reader how the human race is doomed because two poorly developed characters ate an apple that a snake told them to eat.

    That’s not good news.”

  • Adam says:

    The missing imprint page reads…
    (King James I had it removed)

    all persons in this novel are fictitious and any similarity between anyone living, dead, resurrected (i.e. Zombies) or in a limbo like state, are purely coincidental and the author shall not be held responsible for any actions or beliefs resulting from the reading of this material

  • Mikeynma says:

    I picked up a copy of this book but was dismayed to find a the first page missing. I enquired as to the missing page and found that it was missing from *all* copies.

    I managed to discover what the missing page was, it began with:

    “All characters portayed in this book are purely fictional and any resemblance to people alive or dead is purely coincidental”


  • L. Moone says:

    I simply did not like this book! I understand it was to be a collection of short stories, fictional, but that they were meant to be tied into actual history of the times.
    Well, this is entirely false! The history of the times as presented in this book is garbled and full of misconceptions.
    Anybody who reads this be warned- do NOT follow the history presented as verbatim.
    Also, there is rampant contradictions within many of the stories themselves.
    For example, the main character, who is variously known as “Yahweh” or “God” or “Lord” is said to be loving and kind and wants to protect the people. Yet, he then turns around and “smites” people left and right, through a variety of methods such as famine, disease, flood, (that was a biggy) and in some cases, downright insanity. Yet, the people love him anyway, and continue to talk about what a great God he is. The only sense I can make of it is that the people had that syndrome where a person held against their will comes to love the captors.
    Although I understood the stories to be fantasy, I still was tangled up by the lack of flow in general. Even in fantasy, the plot should tie up and make some sort of sense on that realm.
    For instance, the first story of this book, where the Lord used magical incantations to create the universe, the earth, animals and plants and then the first people, there is a huge question presented that I have yet to see answered. The Lord said “let US make man in OUR own image”
    Who was he talking to, if he was the sole Lord God?
    It is sloppy writing to introduce characters into a story and then not explain them somehow, someway.
    Also I’d like to point out rampant plagiarism. Many of these stories are obviously (very poorly) copied from earlier legends and tales of the Sumerians- many thousands of years before Jesus was even a twinkle in his daddy’s eye.
    Yet I see no reference anywhere to credit the original source. I think somebody ought to be sued, but since we aren’t clear on who the authors of this ill-begotten book really are, I guess no action can be taken.
    How did this book ever get published?


  • Gary Host says:

    The holy Bible was changed and re-written, now the holy Quran has not been changed for what like 1400 years? and all relgious leaders agree to that…Now this is the freak bit, if you count the number of times it says the word ‘water’ and the number of times it says ‘land’ and u get the exact water:land ratio…and that was only discovered recently…

  • BLUE says:

    Funny stuff.

  • Sarita says:

    Yes, I am guilty of “stumbling” and finding this. I quite enjoyed it by the way.

  • Ben says:

    Ok, I am confused. These reviews were hilarious, but I don’t get it. Why are there a bunch of funny reviews on this particular version on Amazon? I’ve looked at other bible versions, and there is nothing like that. But still, hilarious.

  • Kevin says:

    well, when all who have chosen to mock God, Jesus & His word breath their last breath. Then they will believe that Jesus Christ is Lord. Unfortunately, it will then be to late. My genuine hope for you all is that you meet Jesus before its to late. No one can even fathom the amount & extent of the suffering that comes should you have lived your lives worthy of the very God that you mock condemning you to an eternity in hell.
    Humble yourselves & seek Christ & you neither know the day nor the hour when your last breath will be breathed.
    Imagine spending your eternity here

  • ric savacool says:

    Got to tell ya, JRR Tolkien was ………………..(dramatic pause)……….. a believer! What! To hell you say!

    Yeah, how does that taste?

    That’s right ladies and germs, the entire “Trilogy of The Ring” is based on JRR Tolkien’s interpretation of the events through WWII and the pursuit for power and global domination. Yes, he was a Messianic Jew.


    GANDALF: My Lord, there will be a time to grieve for Boromir. But it is not now. War is coming. The enemy is on your doorstep! As steward, you are charged with the defense of this city! Where are Gondor’s armies? You still have friends. You are not alone in this fight. Send word to Théoden of Rohan. Light the beacons.

    DENETHOR: You think you are wise, Mithrandir, yet for all your subtleties you have not wisdom. Do you think the eyes of the White Tower are blind? I have seen more than you know. With your left hand you would use me as a shield against Mordor, and with your right you would seek to supplant me! I know who rides with Théoden of Rohan. Oh yes! Word has reached my ears of this Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and I tell you now I will not bow to this Ranger from the North, last of a ragged house long bereft of lordship.

    GANDALF: Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king, Steward.

    DENETHOR: The rule of Gondor is mine, and no other’s!

    I.E. — The Sanhedrin and/or King Herod refusing to accept the Heir of the House of David – The ROCK — Jesus Christ (Isiahi’s prophecy and Daniel’s dream)

    Don’t believe me. This is very well documented. LOOK IT UP. Read a book why don’cha. Yes, Yes. That’s why I only do two shows a week. THANK YOU CLEVELAND. GOOD NIGHT!

  • Jimbob says:

    I met Jesus once. He’s a bit too “holier than thou” for my liking. He needs to lighten up and have a few beers but I think he’s more of a wine kind of guy.

  • Briana says:

    Pure gold!! I laughed so hard at this, I almost died!!

  • Modi says:

    Fabulous! Couldn’t stop laughing!!!

  • diane says:

    has anyone noticed his eyes follow you?

  • Bekie says:

    I.LOVE.YOU. for this, you have no idea. It’s going to make my day and i plan on printing this out to help make the day of others XD LOL thank you for this it’s greatly appreciated.


  • Steve says:

    Two words “Kevin”: Prove it.

  • SEO Norwich says:

    The missing imprint page reads…
    (King James I had it removed)

    all persons in this novel are fictitious and any similarity between anyone living, dead, resurrected (i.e. Zombies) or in a limbo like state, are purely coincidental and the author shall not be held responsible for any actions or beliefs resulting from the reading of this material

  • Brooklyn says:

    I think they must have skipped all the good parts about people being attacked by bears and impalement and people so fat that when they get stabbed with a sword the fat envelops the sword and his servants just think he has diarrhea. The Bible is actually chalk full of really awesome stories if you read enough.

  • irrelavent says:

    i should be very offended by this however this is some funny stuff

  • samuel says:

    people… don’t make fun of your Lord .. he was the one who created you.. he was the one who loved you so much than anyone else… he is the way,truth and the life… believe in Jesus.. don’t make fun of him or God…. be good… remember.. Lord sacrificed himself for your sins… God gave his own son for you sinners.. look at that love… feel it… Dont tease your father… its not for good..

  • Susan says:

    It just seems to me that an all powerful “God” could update his book to better fit the times.

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